Man. My life has changed a lot. And it is really tough to swallow.
But I guess thats why they say swallow your pride..
I had envisioned things for myself
I had desires, ambitions, goals.
Now its hard to find my self with any..
I feel that all has been stripped from me..
All understanding has left.
I thought day by day I would be growing, and understanding more and more. But the more I have lived the less I feel I understand. What is it that you are doing God?
Thats a question I can't tell you how often I think a day.
Where is the confidence in myself?
Where is the fire? The Passion? The Vision?
I feel like a wasteless life form not knowing purpose these days.
And with all that is going on.. I know God is working...
Everyday I come to the same realization and understanding- I need Jesus. I am nothing without him. I need his sons life in me and shining through. There is nothing good in me. Not. One. Thing.
Is this what God is teaching me? Yes.
I think the way I was headed was a prideful self ambitious road, where the victories I had in life I would have taken the credit for inside. I thought I in some ways was Gods chosen one. Now I would feel beyond blessed if I was chosen at all... Thats great right?
I dont even know anymore, and I dont know if I care. I feel like a poured out drink offering with nothing left to give.. everything that I have (the little I feel like I have to offer) left all I can do is just say " have your way God" "do whatever" because I know he knows best.
Continue to empty me God of all that is of me and fill me with things of you.
I pray one day to see green pastures and streams of living water again. I have forgotten the glory and fullfillment that are those things.
I love you God so much. I am sorry I am impatient, selfish and so full of pride. I still offer my life to you because I still believe that you are worthy even though I dont live like it.. Please help me too.
Please Help me.
I want my life to be pleasing to you.
Love you God. Your the best. And everything you do is because you love me. Thank you Dad.
Please continue to Loose the Fire in me